I called off of work for one of the first times in my life, reasons of a broken heart. i wanted to sit at home and cry and eat ice cream and feel sorry for myself. None of the things I wanted happened, i could not cry, and there was no ice cream to be had. I just slept and watched too much TV. I wonder if this is one of the times in life where I am beign tested, I am not stepping up to any challenges, I am obvioulsy failing. I have been reading a lot, but they are just words on a page, I spend most of the time in my head, contemplating, making up false scenarious where too many things go the way I want. I am trying to cheer myself up but it's becoming too hard, all the bad is outweighing the good and I want to just hide under the bed till it all goes away, except i don't even have my bed yet, becuase I am broke. If life is truly like the book the Secret, then I can understand my failures, I am in a bad mood, I walk down the street listening to my music, and still I think I am just distracted not happy. Time is going by so fast, weekends are a blur. I want to stay home and watch movies, but I think I owe it to myself to at least get fresh air, so Sunday I had a very New York day, I grabbed a cup of joe and just walked. I went down Lexington first, then crossed over to Madison, was not in a window shopping mood, so I jusy went and sat at central park, watching old couples hold hands, and young couples laughing and not being alone, like me. Besides my gloomy mood, it was pleasant, the smell of the fall leaves, I could hear the crunching from underneath my feet. It felt good cold, like I could deal with it, I needed a jacket, not a coat and a scarf. I enjoyed the sunshine and living in the city, I would have loved to do that with someone special.