New York State of mind

Do you think when you are depressed that you know you are depressed? I feel like I am going through a gloomy stage, well every one I know is...

Detroit and I have called it quits again, and after a very confusing email that i refuse to mention again, I am left exactly where I started, confused and regretful.
I wonder if a pack of single people are better then one because we are adding up like flies. Jimmy and Nia have officially separated, he moved in with Detroit and Jackie may also be "single" and I think I am excited by having single girlfriends, more people joining the pity party.

I am at a cross road, I feel like I should be putting myself out there, hell any single function that comes around I am willing to try, but on the same hand, I feel distant. Like I am in this bubble, all by myself no one can hear or see me. I feel like there is a shield up, I can't talk about it, I can't completely understand it, but it is there, and it is pressing down on my chest.

I wanted to cry at the end of me and Detroit, and like all times, this is most likely not the end of "us" but it is the end of a chapter of us, maybe I need to keep him separate from my personal life but it is obvious his problems are true and real, you can see, smell and touch them and they are not going away any time soon. I am in that mode where I am alone again, and I mean mentally and physically, rolling up in a ball and crawling in my bed would not be out of the ordinary and I wonder how long I could stay? I wonder if I had no bills, not a single responsibility could I just lay in bed forever? I want to abandon everything and just get away, sleep outside under the stars but then I would still be alone. I wish I had someone to be with, hold hands and make plans for the weekend, but I fear I would still be alone, that person may not be enough right now. I am getting a bit desperate, I can tell this when every available man sparks some interest. I remember a time in my life where I was always wanted, I had the affection of many, and still I felt alone. The only time I did not feel alone was in my relationships, then I felt trapped. Does that mean I have not found the right person for me? Or is it just me? When does it get easier? Because I feel like time is just moving faster and life is getting harder. 2008 is around the corner, and I will be 24, I am not doing great at work, I have a roommate and not enough furniture and I am single,what are my accomplishments for the year? i made more money, so I spent more money, I feel like I am not in control anymore in life, so I am vowing to commit to myself and my life...

I will save...not spend my money
I will make eye contact (and keep it) with one cute guy a week
I will go to singles events and meet new people
I will be great at my job, even if the people are not so great
I will find a hobby, and do it for me, not to meet a guy, not for any other reason except sure joy
I will be the best me I can be!

Sounds corny I know, but it's a start, and screw new years resolutions, I am starting asap, and I will be my new self by new years... what better way to bring in the year.